So one of the great perks about my job is that every once in a while I get to go to a conference. Conferences are like dentist appointments during the workday-You know you want to get out of the office and maybe be able to go home a little early, but at the same time you know it’s going to suck for the time you’re there. But today’s conference had a special caveat-it was literally right across the street from my office. It’s like looking at your dentist’s office just before you have to go. You don’t want to, but you must.
So I’m at a conference today, minding my own business, waiting for the session to start. I intentionally don’t look anyone in the eye because honestly, I don’t care what you do or where you work. It’s like we’re in college the first week you hear the same shit literally a thousand fucking times, “So, where you from? What are you studying? Blahblahblahblahblah.”
Anyways, so I’m sitting there and people next to me start introducing one another. And so, against my better judgment, I look up and everyone is waiting for me to introduce myself. Well, fuckity fuck. I shake everyone’s hand I can reach, and then it happened…The guy at the end said, “oh, we don’t have to shake, I’ll give you an air-shake.”
A Whhhhhhhhhhattttttttttt? Really? Do I work in the same field as these people? Can you not just wave politely and say “Hi, I’m Mr. Fuckity Fuck, nice to meet you”. No, you have to give an “air-shake.” Well, then. I immediately put my head down and wrote down the situation for which you are now reading. Glad I could share this moment with you.
Okay, so what I’ve learned about conferences is they exist for two supposed reasons: To ‘make connections’ and to brag about their shit smelling the best. First off, I’ve never met anyone at these things that one would consider a “connection”. I’ve introduced myself a few times to some folks, I exchange cards, and then in about 2.3 days, I have either a)lost their card or b)thrown it away (both sometimes intentionally, sometimes accidentally).
The next part about conferences is to brag and tell everyone how cool you are, how busy you are, and whatever you say, it’s not as good as me. “Oh, you’ve had 20,000 visitors last year? Well, I think we had 23,230 visitors yesterday-and that was only in the morning.” Well loddy-fricking-da! I think the unspoken rule is to brag/exaggerate by 20%. So, if you had 1,200 people visit last year, in “conference speak” that would be 1,000 visitors in real world figures.
I really just want to go to these things, listen to what the speakers have to say, and leave. That’s my schedule. If it involves beer, I might even stick around a bit longer. But usually that’s not the case. And so, I sulk back to work and tell everyone what a great conference it was. Oh well.
