Lately I haven’t had time to write because I have been busy jetting around Europe. Okay that’s a lie, but it sounds a hell of a lot more fabulous than I have not been blogging because I have been stressed. See? I told you that gallivanting around Europe sounded much more interesting.
Marigolds from the garden. Cause I'm feeling artsy-fartsy.
I’m not a person who handles stress terribly well. Some people get a high off of it and use the energy to get a lot accomplished. Me? Not so much. When I’m stressed I like to pretend it all doesn’t exist by doing as many mindless non-productive things as possible. Examples: I’m pretty sure there hasn’t been a single image posted on Pinterest that I have missed in the last couple of weeks and I have managed to contribute a number of empty beer bottles to Patrick’s stash for his homebrew.
You might ask what I would have to be stressed about? I would have to agree that it is only a combination of daily life coming due all at once. Work was busy (it always is in May), bills are due, garden needed planting (which I did manage to finish), McClain needs entertaining, cookouts, job changes, meetings, etc… Nothing that is any different than the usual busy spring/summer schedule besides going part-time at work. Yet, I’ve let myself get to a mental stress point. Worry seems to have quickly crept into my life and taken over a large portion of my energy.
Worry and guilt are the coin in trade for my family. Because of this I have tried my best to set myself up to challenge this type of thinking and live a more emotionally healthy existence. It also helped that my parents encouraged this type of personal growth. Except, now all of a sudden, I have fallen into these negative behaviors and find myself sleepless, emotional, and mentally out of control. What does any of these achieve? Absolutely nothing.
What it boils down to is that I’m not content in my own skin. I’ve felt out of sorts since I turned 30. I’m struggling to find my identity as a mother, wife, and woman. In taking some time from work I have realized that I can no longer just define myself by career, friends, and drinks on the weekends. There is so much more that goes into nurturing a child. You are almost required to think about the example your life will set for the next generation. So what do you do when you’re not happy with that example? In my case dwell on the little things like mortgages and cabbage worms because it just seems overly fucking hard to remake yourself completely. Especially when I still don’t have a clear picture of the person I want to be.
However, to not embrace change is just pathetic and lazy. Plus it is self-destructive to stop growth simply because I worry that I’ll make bad choices, won’t live up to my expectations, and generally fail. I feel certain everyone does all three many times in their lives. Yet it is so much easier to just ‘go with’ life instead of trying to make changes. Worry is exceedingly easy to achieve while results are not.
But shortly it will be June. A new month, new job, new beginnings. Maybe it’s my genetics or upbringing but I’m always optimistic I will find my way. Here’s to leaving the past and starting yet another new beginning in my year of restarts.
hey there friend.
maybe it’s the moon. everyone i know seems to be a rough patch right about now. i was just talking to a mama friend yesterday who was voicing a lot of the same things you just said. me, i always feel so sorry for myself because i don’t have the time and energy to do all the shit i want to do. but i realized i need to be thankful that i have such a driven direction, and strong feeling for what i want. i can’t even imagine trying to suss that all out with kiddos in tow.
making the shift to part time must be hard. you’re focus and purpose has changed. mothering is the most thankless task on earth. you can almost guarantee that they’ll grow up to tell you all about how wrong you did it. let alone ever understanding or appreciating how insanely hard you worked, both physically and emotionally.
but as My Man reminded me last night in my big heart rending weep-fest, they might not exactly appreciate what i do, but they sure as hell think i’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. of course that’s why they cling so hard, want to be with us so much (and make us feel so clostrophobic!)
it’s tough stuff, but the payoff is crazy big. you’ll come around. things always change. heed your optimism!
good luck and thoughts,
CJ
Thanks so much for the kind thoughts. I’m very excited to be able to do more of the hands-on mothering. He is always the high point in my day. I just wish I had more direction for myself. I’m one of those people that likes to plan. It’s not even that I care if the plan changes but to just be living life without a driving direction scares the shit out of me. Hopefully it will be all for the better in the long run!