Well, we have another winner this week in the contest of “The Crappiest Movie I’ve Ever Seen” Sweepstakes. Yep, it’s Red Riding Hood, “starring” Amanda Seyfried and Gary Oldman. What a crock.
When Brianna and I saw the trailer for this movie last year (I think it was at the Harry Potter movie), we both said, “Hmmm, well that looks like a pretty movie.” A long, flowing red cape against the backdrop of a snow-covered forest. This looked like it could be one of those “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”-type of movies. Well, it was….for about 2.1 seconds. Once the awful studio sets came into focus and the actors opened their mouths, I knew I was going to be in for a looooong 90 minutes. And boy was I right.
Let’s start off with the Good: Okay, glad that’s over.
Okay, now let’s turn to the bad:
The movie I think believe takes place in some mythical village in the middle of nowhere at some point to what I presume is the middle ages. There’s the guys dressed up in clanky armor carrying crossbows and swords, so I assume the story is supposed to happen a long time ago.Apparently, there’s been a werewolf terrorizing the village, and so we have to wait 90 minutes to figure out who it could be and why they’re doing it. A priest-like guy is brought in to find out who it is. Of course, he’s an evil person who gets what’s coming to him, but as a pseudo-villain, he dies in an extremely lame way. There’s absolutely no satisfaction.
So of course Red Riding Hood is engaged to be married to a douchebag, but is really in love with another douchebag. During the course of the movie we learn that the werewolf can talk, and wants to take RRH someplace away from the village. So the last excruciatingly-long 45 minutes is the audience trying to figure out who the werewolf is, as if we gave a shit.
The village where the movie takes place could have been set up in my basement and put together by my 2-year-old. Fake log cabins. Fake snow. Fake everything. It was constantly snowing in the movie, but I failed to see one person’s breath the entire time. And it’s REALLY sad when I notice crap like that…
Secondly, the acting/writing is as atrocious as you’d expect. I like Gary Oldman, I really do. He’s usually a pretty stand-up actor. But I can’t help thinking that he must’ve needed some dope money or something to do this film. He was awful. His character was awful. Everything was awful. Then there’s Amanda Seyfried, who really should never open her mouth on screen again. And finally, there’s her two love interests, who sound a lot like the two douchebags from the Twilight movie.
Douchebag 1: “But you could be the werewolf. And I will do what I have to do to protect this village.”
Douchebag 2: “I’d do the same to you.”
Douchebag 1: “Allright! We’re best buddies!”
In fact, one could say that this movie is like if you crossed the Twilight movies with the Twilight movies. It’s like if you take the shittiness of the Twilight movies and multiplied their shittiness by the exponent of their shittiness. That would equal this movie-I think.
The best part of this movie was the people dying. But even there, there just wasn’t enough death to make me appreciate it.
Overall, I wouldn’t want to wish this movie onto anyone. If they really wanted to get some information out of Khalid Sheik Mohammad for info about terrorist attacks, all they would have to do is show this movie over and over again.
5 Dirty Diapers.